Saturday, 8 November 2008


Well, this has been a pretty rough week. I've hardly slept, barely eaten (besides chocolate) and cried a lot.

I managed to get an interview on Tuesday for a job that would mean me retraining in another field. I didn't hear anything so assumed I didnt get it. Couldnt get anything else. The last time I looked for a job I could pick and choose who I went to, and had an offer within 24 hours.

I had a meeting on Thursday to discuss the redundancy, and I told them that I believe I was chosen because of the IVF. I didn't want to have to go down that route, but its what I believe.

Then about 4pm on Thursday, I got offered the job from Tuesday. I nearly fainted with shock. I start on Monday. So yesterday was my last day at work, it all happened really fast. I'm still really bitter about it, but hopefully in the long run it will be a good move.

After all this, I slept until 5pm today, when I woke up it was dark, and I couldn't work out what day it was or anything.

Now I have to get organised for Monday, and try to get mentally ready for it.

Oh - but good news is we still get to go on holiday!! Yay!!!:)

Thank you all for your support. Again.

Friday, 31 October 2008

Well. It's happening

I'm going to lose my job, probably in the next few weeks.

So now I have to find a new one, and work out whether we can still go on our trip at the end of November. If I lose my job before we go I can claim off my travel insurance, but if its afterwards, or if I leave first, we wont get our money back, so will probably be going anyway.

The hardest part, that is really killing me, is that I will have to at least postpone the DE IVF. There is just no way we can have the money sorted in time now, and if I am in a new job, I dont feel I will have been there long enough to go on maternity leave.

Its just another road block on the path for us.

I have to say that I am starting to wonder why this keeps happening to us. Is it some sort of punishment for something, or is it Gods way of telling us that children are just not in our future? I'm finding it really hard to work this out in my head, and I dont really know what to think or how to work it out. I dont know what to do next.

Wednesday, 29 October 2008

Not having a good day

I found out this morning that I am facing redundancy.

This could not have come at a worse time.

We will now probably have to cancel our trip, and more importantly, cancel the IVF as even if I get a new job soon, I wont be in it very long when September comes around.

I'm having a drink tonight, I need it. Then job hunting I go.

*Edit* Oops - redundancy, for the non-80s thatcherites, is when a workplace have more staff than they have work for anymore, and they let some of them go, I don't know what the equivalent term is, but am open to enlightenment. Basically I am about to lose my job.

Friday, 24 October 2008

My cat sure loves me:)

How is everyone today?

I'm back from my latest conference, and shattered, so about to head to bed. Am scouring the net for T-Shirts for our trip with characters on them, as I doubt I will find them in my size over there, much fun.

Battynurse, your profile pic always makes me smile, and I had to share this. When I was away last week I found an adorable little santa costume for dogs. I'm rubbish at guessing the size of my dog when she's not there, so I bought it, and it didn't come close to her, but it did fit one of my cats. My 10 year old, male cat. He was so adorable in it, but my word, he was not amused!!! The look on his face was priceless, and I cant wait for Christmas now so I can dress him up for the whole day:)

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Crazy busy these days

Again, I would like to thank everyone for your kind words and support earlier, it means so much to me.

I'm crazy busy at the moment with work, I was away all last week, and am off for another conference tomorrow.

We changed our holiday plans for next month, and have booked a French theme park, run by a mouse with large ears!!! Very excited!

We are also looking into another holiday in March for our wedding anniversary, and looking for somewhere we wouldn't be able to go again after the IVF.

Off to do some packing,

take care

Thursday, 9 October 2008

Thank you

For your comforting words.

After thinking it over, he obviously had some issues, and was simply just not a very nice man. I wont be making the mistake of seeing him again.

I feel comfortable with our decision to use donor eggs, we want children, and although I have a tiny chance of having one with my own eggs, it would take potentially decades, which we dont want. So we are still all go.

Countdown begins, 3rd September 2009, here I come.

I started my new patch HRT today, so far no problemo, only time will tell I guess.

In other news, we have decided we need a holiday, so are looking at going to Iceland at the end of November. I know they are having economic problems, but hopefully that wont affect us too much, and we get to go to the blue lagoon and do some snowmobiling!!

Monday, 6 October 2008

Feel like I've been slapped

I'm sorry, but warning in advance that this post is not particularly nice.

I started out today very happy and positive, I just got my appointment for donor IVF in September.

I had to go to the doctor after work for my HRT, not my usual doctor, but I wasn't bothered. We were talking about things, and I told him I was going for the IVF next year.

This is when things took a turn for the worse. He was not at all supportive, and tried to put me off, I was hysterical by the end and till am.

I didnt tell him which clinic or anything, but he told me it would be a con, and that there success rates would only be about 20% really, and it probably wont work, and that I will end up with a 'scrambled baby' because the donors will be women who walk in off the streets looking for money for drugs, and they wont be screened properly, and would all lie about medical history anyway.

He asked me why wont I just adopt, and that all I am doing is having someone elses baby anyway, so why not just adopt. When I said we had originally wanted 4 children, he said that was ridiculous anyway, and we could adopt a family of 4 instead, and having a baby is more than having a pet.

And he went on about how with IVF they just fill you full of unnatural drugs (after giving me a prescription for hrt and antidepressants) and kept asking why we wouldnt adopt instead of this.

I just dont understand, every other doctor I have seen has told me straight away to have donor IVF, and my gyno told me to go abroad, its not like this is something I have chosen to do, its the only way.

I'm absolutely gutted right now, and cant think straight, and am terrified, what if he is right?

I just dont know what to think.

Friday, 3 October 2008

Decision Time

I haven't been around much, I know, and it's terrible. Bad llama.

I can only apologise, I've had to get a lot straight in my head. We got a new baby nephew about 2 weeks ago, and I've found it very hard.

I saw my consultant again last week, the same day I bought the new baby gift. It went much better this time, she almost agreed to let me try some fertility drugs, and suggested I ask my own GP to try it, and if that fails, to write to the governing body for fertility treatment. So today I wrote to them, and I see a GP on Monday (not my own though, couldnt get an appointment) I also got her to change my HRT to patches.

In spite of all of this, we have decided to go ahead with donor IVF. It will take about a year to hit the top of the waiting list in our chosen clinic, so we have put our names down, so if we dont get a miracle in the next year, we will always have this.

I am feeling better having made this decision, it's almost like a weight has been lifted, I can see a way out, even if it's not the way I had originally planned.

In other news, MrP is working full time again, and bought a new car, still not sold our house, and probably wont, am generally feeling okay again. But still on the happy pills. Not been sleeping as well since getting the bed to myself all again. Think that's about it really.

Sorry this is a pretty brief post, but I am feeling really tired and oddly a bit lightheaded, so take care and goodnight.

Monday, 8 September 2008

The reply is in.

After my initial appointment with my consultant, I received a very short, blunt letter, whch didn;t give me any information, and ended with a curt comment about my weight.

I wrote a lengthy, and somewhat irate reply to this.

Today, I got the reply. She was very apologetic, which was good. And confirmed that my weight is not responsible for the POF. She has also agreed to bring my next appointment forward to the 26th September.

The latest results were:
FSH 39
LH 21
Prolactin 58
Estradiol 151
which I think is pretty much the same as the first two sets.

I'm hoping to get to change my HRT as I really dont like this one. The current and ongoing symptoms are:
Exhaustion (not helped mby the hrt)
Greasy/dry skin (not helped)
Greasy hair (not helped but the swimming means I wash it more)
Spots (not helped)
Dandruff (not helped, nothing is)
Heartburn (not helped)
Sweats/flashes (not helped)
Insomnia (hrt hasnt helped, happy pills have)
Mood swings (caused by hrt - from suicidal to manically happy)
Nightmares (probably the dx not the pills)
Leg cramps (caused by hrt)
Oral thrush (I assume caused by hrt, as never had it before)
Libido (gone awol, nothing helping)

So all in all, the current hrt is doing naff all. Hopefully when I tell her, she will change it. Fingers crossed.

Saturday, 6 September 2008

The stupid things people say

The other day, as I was fanning my face, as I do most days, a friend of mine laughed and said, 'you're not starting hot flashes already are you?'

I'm furious with her, because she knows all about the POF and what it means.

This is the same friend who, when I was bemoaning the standard of care I am (not) getting, replied that 'it's just like my verucca'.

I've come to realise that not everyone will understand, not only POF, but IF in general. This girl thinks its comparible to a verucca. The thing is, there is no comparison. People can have empathy, or sympathy. People can appreciate how difficult it is, how painful it is, and how upset I am.

But no-one else is me. I'm going through something which a lot of other women are too, but I don't know exactly how they feel, nor vice versa. Everyone is different, everyone deals in different ways. We all have different reactions to the news, different circumstances, different feelings about it. I know that's a lot of different, but we are. As people. We are all individual.

But that aside, I feel the same thing for everyone of us, POFers, IFers, all of us. Some will agree with me that this is the worst thing to have every happened to us. Some wont, but it will still be pretty high up the list.

I hope that everyone who is dealing with this, can in some way find peace, and come to terms with it. I know I still haven't, but I look forward to the day when I am happy again. I believe I will be. I will not let this define me. POF is not who I am, but it is part of making me who I will become.

Much love to everyone.

Thursday, 4 September 2008

Day ????

I think I am now on day 12 or 13, I've stopped counting. Still nothing and have given up expecting there to be anything.

I've also not had a reply from the hospital to my letter to them.

No jobs for MrP yet.

No viewers for the house yet.

Haven't gone near the scales for at least a week so no idea about a weight loss total.

I advertised our second car for sale, hopefully it will sell quickly. If MrP doesn't get a job by the end of September I think the main car will have to go too and be replaced with a banger. We have to run a car one way or the other, but trading it in for a cheaper model would give us some cash to play with, hopefully. By play, I mean pay the bills, eat, keep a roof over our heads. I'm also going to sell some jewellery I dont wear, and getting MrP to do a car boot sale.

I mentioned to my boss today about a promotion. Hopefully it wasnt too cheeky, but I really want one, for status more than money, although dont get me wrong, a pay rise would be very much welcome at the moment. Tomorrow all the bosses are having a meeting, and I *think* my new future role will be being discussed, so am very excited and nervous about it.

Thursday, 28 August 2008

Day 6...

Still nothing. Now I am annoyed.

I did a test. I hadn't planned to yet, but had to. Negative of course, so basically something else about my body doesnt work.

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Day 5 ...

Still nothing. Still don't know what to think.

On unrelated news, poor Mr P lost his job today. This recession isn't doing anyone any favours. He's gutted, and is blaming himself. So now something else to worry about. Don't ask how we're going to pay the mortgage next month.

If ever there was a case of 'timing'! This would be it.

Tuesday, 26 August 2008

Day 4....

Still nothing happening.

Don't quite know what to think, except knowing my luck it will turn up on day 6!

Monday, 25 August 2008

Setting myself up for a fall

I know I am, and I cant help it.

I have thought long and hard about posting this. I didn't want to put it into words, in the fear that somehow by verbalising it, I was jinxing things.

But I need to. I need to put it out there so that when the fall comes, somehow by accepting it in advance it will cushion the blow.

I'm on HRT, right. 28 little pills in a pack, 16 white ones, 12 green ones. In theory, these pill combinations should make me bleed. I should start between day 21 of pack A and day 5 of pack B.

Its day 3.

No bleed.

Never in my life have I had such a long cycle. Naturally, I had 21 day cycles. On the pill 25 ish. I am now on what, day 33? I keep thinking its coming, and run to the loo, but nothing.

It's messing up my head. Because even though I know the chances, that little part of me, that little voice, the same one that makes me eat chocolate when I am on a diet, is screaming. What if it is. Just test.

But I cant test. For one thing, as soon as I do, it will come. And I will have wasted £10. And even worse, this little voice will have to shut up and frankly, I quite like it. The fantasy. The what ifs, and maybes.

I know I'm not. This is just another way for my stupid body to be cruel to me. As if this IF thing isnt cruel enough.

If I get to the weekend, then maybe I will.

Sunday, 24 August 2008

Spot the culprit

Another week on in the diet. Went swimming 6 times last week. Cannot restrict my eating anymore without feeling dizzy, and lost nothing.

Very unamused.

Have sussed it out. I cut cola out completely, and the booze. Replaced with a popular blackcurrant squash. Which I have now worked out has roughly 500 calories a pint, and I have been drinking it by the gallon. Would have been better off with full fat cola.

So am now going to change to diet cola, which I hope will make me get back to the loss.

Still miserable on the hrt. Went to docs and cried a lot. Have now got some happy pills which are helping. Have also written to the consultant looking for more answers. Watch this space.

Thursday, 14 August 2008

Going for Gold!

Not that I am being motivated by the Olympics or anything, but I have stepped the diet and exercise up a notch lately. A colleague and I have started going swimming at lunchtime too, and have been twice this week, and back tomorrow.

The diet started mainly because I got pretty low and didnt feel like eating, and managed (so far) to keep it up. But the past few days by about 11am I have felt a bit weak, so have decided to try and have a small breakfast before work now, then a cup-a-soup for lunch and a healthy meal at night, plus the swimming 3/4 times a week and my exercise DVD twice a week too. Hopefully this will work.

The HRT is driving me crazy, and probably MrP too, as I am a cranky psycho madam of late, and have screamed at him more times than I care to mention, and the cats, and the dog. And random people in the street. And my PC at work. Not good. Also having a lot of leg cramps, insomnia, stomach ache, nausea, so I am going to ask to change the brand.

I also appear to have a throat infection as my throat is covered in white stuff that looks almost mouldy. Lovely. Just what I need.

Doctors on Monday, plenty to talk about anyway.

Oh - and by the way, in just over 2 weeks, 11lbs down, about a million to go!

Sunday, 10 August 2008

Call me crazy

Yes, I'm sure you will.

I had a bit of a low point last week after the AMH results. I phoned around a few IVF clinics. Just a few. The answer was the same, no chance, 0.01% chance, you should think about a donor, I think you need counselling etc etc.

I certainly agree about the counselling, and will probably speak to my doctor about that.

BUT, and its a big but. I then spoke to a doctor in London, explained my situation, and instead of writing me off, he told me about this drug called DHEA, which is a type of hormone, not licensed in the UK, you can buy it over the internet. He told me to take it for at least 4 months and have my tests done again (if I am not pregnant by then....IF...can you believe it!) And then to speak to him again and see if we could do IVF with him, using my own eggs.

It goes on to get even better. I had heard of this drug before I spoke to him. Had ordered it. It was waiting for me to collect it from the local post office. Funnily enough, I have now started taking it!

I know the odds are still stacked against me, but it has to be worth a shot, right?

My stupid body is playing nasty tricks on me, ever since I started the HRT. LAst week, just before I got the AMH results, I was convinced I was fixed. I had EWCM, so thought I was ovulating. Add this to the pains in my side, I thought it would all be okay. A few days later and some spotting (implantation thinks me). I'm also still lactating, despite my prolactin levels being apparently normal.

Maybe its a phantom pregnancy. Maybe the last few months have all been a dream. Maybe I'm not even real. Maybe I'm just plain crazy.

I hope this works. I hope no-one else ever goes through this. I hope everyone who wants one, gets a baby.

Tuesday, 5 August 2008

They think it's all over....

It is now.

The AMH results are in. 0.1

So that's it. Over. It#s out of my hands. There is nothing left I can do.

I wont be able to have my own children.

Bless the nurse who told me, as she sounded almost as wretched as I felt.

I dont quite think I have taken it in yet.

I need to regroup. I will be back.

Wednesday, 30 July 2008

More results and more questions

So I managed to get an answer from the local hospital today. Not fab, but not horrific either.

It was only the secretary, so she could only read out a letter to me, but she told me:

My prolactin is normal (then why do I still have discharge?)
My estradiol is on the low end of normal, so I defo need the hrt. (At my last test the estradiol was fine, so whats happened here?)
My FSH is still menopausal, although she couldnt tell me what the actual number is, but apparently my GP should know.

Good bit is that my chromosome tests were normal.

One more week to wait for the AMH test results.

In non IF news, I saw a house I have liked for about 6 months has had the price reduced by about £15,000, making it suddenly VERY attractive. Even though our house hasnt had any interest, I broke my own rule and went to see this one after work.

It needs a whole load of work done, but its fabulous. Oh dear. We asked if we could rent it until we sold as its sitting empty, but the agent doesnt think they will go for that. However, he said he knew someone who was looking for a house our price in our area, and will see if they want to buy ours. Only flaw with this perfect scenario is that they need to move in 3 weeks. But I would do it for this house. Oh my word.

I have crossed my fingers so much over the past few months that they are starting to get permanently stick that way.

Sunday, 27 July 2008

Long, and rather late, update

Shocking behaviour, really. Apologies. Its been, what, a month since my last post.

I just havent felt like it, everything has been a bit crazy, but now feels like the time.

So from where I last left off.....About a week later I got a letter from my GP to go in for a chat. I did this, and got the frankly amazing news that my uterus is in fact NORMAL in size. The lining is not, but thats no real shock, I havent had a period for way too long, but dimensionally, normal. The stupid nurse cause me all that grief for nothing. I was angry beyond words, and complained to the doctor.

Fast forward about 2 weeks, to last Friday. Finally got to see the consultant. Did not enjoy this. She ruled out PCOS or endo, or anything in fact bar POF. Prescribed HRT, referred me to a dietician (not sure what they can tell me that I dont already know, but hey.) Had a great palaver to take blood to test for chromosomes, and retest the hormone levels.

In the end, I was less than impressed, and have another 3 months for the next appointment. Cried all night, and hit the low point where I wondered what the point was, and if the light fitting would take my weight. Decided it wouldnt.

Wednesday last week, back to GP, for a smear test, oh lucky me. I actually really like my doctor, in fact, I would say I love her. She agreed with my decision (which I will come to later) and said she would support me if I went for IVF and got pregnant (which the consultant said she wouldnt approve of due to my weight).

Anyway, I made 2 decisions this week. As the consultant wouldnt do the AMH test, which is the bottom line in POF diagnosis, I decided to go private and have this done. I went on Friday - correct, 4 day wait for the appointment. They took blood, and I get the results back on 6/08. Then they did an internal ultrasound. Took one nurse and one (male) doctor, but it was done, and they found an ovary - huzzah! Nowt wrong with it. Bah humbug. So PCOS ruled out etc etc. They also reiterated that the size of my uterus is normal and that there should be no real problems for me in carrying a child.

However, it is noy over till the fat bird sings, so the AMH will tell me what my overall chances are.

Second decision was that if the AMH test is crap, I will have IVF with a donor. I have decided that I would be happier with an anonymous donor, private treatment, and a short waiting list when I decide for definite. On this basis I have been speaking (by email) with a couple of clinics abroad, and have decided on a clinic in the Czech Republic. The waiting list is about 9 months (how ironic), but I am waiting until I get the AMH results before putting my name down.

In the meantime, I have started taking HRT and am trying to lose weight now. I still have the notion that my being fat has caused all of this (probably because that is what my first GP told me) and that if I lose weight, this will reverse. I guess the AMH test will confirm or deny that one for me too.

On an unrelated note, we have now put our house on the market, H has got a new job, started 3 weeks ago, and I turned 27. This has all pretty much gone unnoticed on account of all the baby making (or not) stuff.

I promise to try and update again in less than a months time.

Tuesday, 24 June 2008

What NEXT?


Just when I think it is as bad as it can be, it gets worse.

I had my ultrasound.

Nada. Nothing. Zip. No visible reason for this to have happened. No cysts, fibroids, nothing. In fact no ovaries.

Moreover, my uterus is abnormally small. Underdeveloped. Probably not suitable to carry a baby anyway, not that my dead ovaries will be able to make me one anyway.

Has anyone got a clue what this is? What happened that this happened? Is it my fault?

Apparently, when I was 14 (when all this started) I was given a pill by the doctor to delay my period. Could this have broken me somehow?

Help. Please. I am going crazy.

Monday, 23 June 2008


I got a letter this morning from the hospital. They have moved my appointment forward a week. I was a bit concerned about having to change the dates off work, and probably having to go myself if the H is working, and my sister will still be on holiday, but its now just the 18th of July to wait till.

I decided I had waited long enough for the scan appointment, so phoned the hospital. Apparently there is a 9 week waiting list, but there is a cancellation tomorrow if I want? Its that or wait another 4 weeks, so I took it.

Thank goodness my work are reasonable about these things.

Now though, I am realising that getting the appointment is the easy bit, what they find is the hard bit.

I've thought about it a fair bit, and I think the worst thing they could find would be nothing. Even if what they find is bad, at least there will be a cause, a reason this has happened to me.

After what happened with the diagnosis, the sheer shock of it all, I am now preparing for the worst (but not nothing - dont like that idea.)

Wednesday, 18 June 2008

Just give me this

One thing.

I am not going to miraculously fall pg, no matter how much I hope, not today anyway. Also today, H didnt get the fabulous job he went for.

But today, a builder has offered to part exchange our house for a new one of his. Still dont know the details, and it could all still go wrong, but please, let me have this one thing!

Thursday, 12 June 2008

And right back down again

So I went to the docs this morning. I spoke to him about my inhalers, and have been put on a new one, although it looks like the one I was on hasn't caused any problems, never mind this. I also have to start going to the asthma clinic.

I also checked that my thyroid had been tested, it has, of course, and is fine.

I also got him to prod my neck as I thought my glands were swollen - they're not.

I was really upset, and explained to him that I am just trying to find out why this has happened, and also that 3 months is such a long time I am going crazy. He agreed it is a long wait, which was nice, but told me he thinks I will have the scan this month, apparently they dont give you much notice in general, so it should be soon.

I feel really deflated, and have cried a lot today, at work, in the car, in the shops....oh the shame.

A charity collector addressed me as 'miss' today and it just really wound me up, especially when his buddy told me in a really patronising way, 'smile'. I may have, sort of, well, screamed at them and ran away. Ahem. I was not having a good day.

I really thought i would be able to find a cause for this, and with everything I rule out, the chances are getting slimmer, while I am not.

Its only 7.30 but I think I should really just go to bed.

Monday, 9 June 2008


We went swimming again today - third time now, I am so proud of myself for even getting this far. Just hope I can keep it up.

Decided I should just speak to my GP (regular doctor for non brits) about the possible causes, as just about everything I look up seems like it could be the answer. Going on Thursday morning.

Just want to say hello to the fab peeps who have read this so far, and thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

I am currently a GTA4 widow, so shall be nosing about the forums etc to see what other conditions I can convince myself I have!

Sunday, 8 June 2008

Name a big river...

Denial - that's me, hello.

Still reluctant to accept that the POF is permanent. Thought about it briefly this week, and it hurt so much I have decided that for now I'm safer in this here river. If I get another few years down the line and the POF still hasnt reversed, maybe then I will be able to accept it.

Basically I am still looking for answers, and not ready to give up.

Last week I made a possibly controversial decision. I realised how ill I felt, and how much weight (2.5 stone) I had gained since I came off the pill, and almost like in the cartoons, a light came on, and I decided to take the pill again. I had 2 packs left from before, and as I dont see the GYN until July 24, I figure as long as I stop about 2 weeks before then, I should be okay.

The difference this has made has been astounding, I already feel better, less than a week in. I went swimming yesterday, and back again today, which is almost unbelievable. I even joined the gym. Just hope it works this time.

I also had a bit of a revelation, I think I might have Cushings Syndrome, I have every single symptom on the list and will speak to the GYN about this when I see her. I also think this could be related to continued use of asthma medications. If I do, it could be reversed by stopping the meds, which I will try, or at least reduce the amount I take it.

I know I might be clutching at straws, very much so, but as I said before, I need to be able to do this, for now at least.

Monday, 2 June 2008

and up again...

Today I am feeling more optimistic. Rotten and dog tired, but positive regardless.

Again, not a whole lot of sleep going on, even with the sleeping pills, but no point going to bed early as that seems to make things worse.

I joined a support group for POF women, although am not allowed to post yet, one thing I saw which has cheered me immensly, is that when POF is caused by something, such as an autoimmune disorder, thyroid problems etc, treating the cause can usually reverse the POF.

To me, this is the beacon in the fog, the light at the end of the tunnel, the one last glimmering shred of hope yada yada yada. But seriously, I am hoping beyond hope that there is a cause, and it is treatable, and the POF reverses.

When I went to see the GP a month ago, she and I both though I had PCOS. My hormone levels dont agree, but I think I have covered this before. I really believe I have cysts in some shape or form, and if I am proved right, this could well be the cause of the POF, so if I treat the cysts, the POF should reverse.....

For now I have to believe this, so I will. So there.

Saturday, 31 May 2008

No visitors, please.

I know this is the blogging equivalent of liking the sound of my own voice, but as others have said, this is way cheaper than therapy, and possibly more effective.

So my Positive Mental Attitude had gone today. As has my gluten free diet.

Had a crappy sleep and got up moody about 11.30, and spent the next 12 hours on the couch. Managed to read the new book by Lauren Weisberger. Good choice, pleasant read, didnt make me cry, helped. Did nothing productive though, and it was a nice day weatherwise.

By 11pm my body had enough, I can only assume that these are symptoms of POF, or at least MM (aka all my symptoms combined) which are that all the moisture in my upper body leaves via my hair, which needs washed daily. Despite this, my scalp gets so dry it hurts, so I had to go shower.

I also have hidradenitis supprativa, so came out the shower, smelling of medicated shampoo, and applied aqueous cream where I need it, and all over my face. This is a thick white cream, and I look like a ghost, with wet neutrogena-esque hair, and my H's pjs.

On the plus side, if MM did stop by, he would run screaming!

Friday, 30 May 2008

Almost Halloween

No, I know, its May.

I had a dream last week, it was one of those horrible nightmares, where you wake up firmly rooted to the bed, unable to move, too terrified to get up, too desperate to pee to go back to sleep.

It took 20 minutes to put the light on, get out of bed and walk to the edge of it. Then I gave up and woke up my H to take me to the loo, which was 5 steps from the bedroom door.

The dream was of Michael Myres. It still gives me shudders now, which is not good as H is working a nightshift. The movies never bothered me, but something about that dream did.

So, MM, is the persona that my POF has taken, as something to fight.

So what ya gonna do?

What are we going to do? Everything possible. Not all together though, I'm not ready to try everything and not succeed.

This may be where I become apparently unhinged....

I am fairly sure (read paranoid) that my weight may be one of, if not the main factor in my problems. Equally, however, I think a lot of my weight is related to my problems. I guess honestly wont hurt, I wear dress size 22 (uk) and my BMI is 41. None of this is helped by the bar of Galaxy sitting by my side, I know this. Despite this, I dont eat too badly, my calorie intake is equal to or less than my alleged usage for my size. I have gained 2 stone (14lbs) since coming off the pill 6 months ago. This would appear to be linked in some way to the POF. I also have no energy whatsoever, like, cant get the energy to go to the bathroom until I really have no choice. Also apparently I can blame this on the POF. I believe if I could lose weight, I would stand a better chance of having a baby, but I have treid every diet going over the last 4 years (since I gained all this weight, and when I believe the POF started) and nothing works. Nothing. Nada.

I am now wondering if it is possible that there is another reason for the weight gain, and no loss. Two things I am considering are 1) A food intolerance and 2) Insulin resistance.

Number 2 leads me to another pondering of mine, I have seen it somewhere that POF can be cause by PCOS. My FSH levels and LH levels dont indicate PCOS, but that doesnt necessaily mean I cant have PCOS, right, because the POF raises the FSH levels higher than they would have been, so it could be hiding the PCOS. (This is the crazy talking, BTW, but thats what this is for)

Anyway, I am waiting on the referal for the transvag scan, which will hopefully answer this one for me, and there is no other way for me to know, so right now I am going with number 1.

I cant really afford to go for intollerance testing at the moment, my H has just finished college and doesnt have a job yet, so we are not flush, although we survive, so I am trying different things. The first food group I have cut from my diet is gluten/wheat. I am on day 3 so far, and will try each one for 2 or 3 weeks to see if it makes any difference.

In addition to this, I am taking wheatgrass. I bought the powder cos it was half the price of the tablets, but in future I will get the tablets, believe me. It tastes okay in pineapple juice, and bearable in OJ, but still icky. H is taking it too out of sympathy, and he said it turned his poo green. Personally I havent looked!

Next, the vitamins, various ones, normal ones, ones for menopausal women, and ones to aid weightloss. Fingers crossed anyway.

Thats really it for my current methods, however, the crazy took over today and I bought some home FSH tests (yeah like it will reverse this fast), home sperm tests (I would like to know we are only fighting one battle).

And the last crazy??? In my head, my problems, the POF and everything else I associate with it, have a persona, one I cna pyshically fight, and imagine myself kicking ass with when I am power walking, and that persona is....

Shock or horror?

Actually, another reaction which has really surprised me, and the vast majority of people have asked, is 'Oh, did you want a baby, then?'

This in itself is really surprising, for one thing, I had imagined the question would be the other way around, you know, like to ask someone if they didnt want one. Not that its much better, but why would I even bother telling you we were having problems if we didnt want one, nevermind with a tear in my eye, or more often than not, tears streaming down my red, puffy face.

This has got me thinking, what about me is it that people assume then, that I wont want to have a family? Is it the fact we got married at 25, we bought a house, we have a looot of pets (furry children, you know). Even some of our families have been shocked, despite the fact we have talked openly about our plans for children, and go gooey over other peoples babies.

Or is it the fact that we got to 26 and 28 without one, which officially makes me the oldest woman in my family to not have a baby, or that we have careers, or do I just not look the type? I dont appear to have mentioned it, but I am a far cry from a skinny malinky, maybe I exude IF vibes that other people can read, and they got misinterpreted as 'not interested' vibes.

So to set the record straight, we do want children. It might not be easy, and it might not be soon, but we will have children.

Thursday, 29 May 2008

Chain reaction...

One of the things that has really surprised me since the diagnosis, is just how many people I have told. Seriously - I've put it on the net, so I dont even know how many people know now.

I am usually quite a private person, especially when it comes to my failings, and I see POF as one of those. So far I haven't had a bad reaction, obviously shock is most peoples gut instinct ('But you're so young')

The reactions have been varied, but have included:

'But you look so healthy'
'If they can make a 60 yr old woman have triplets, they can give you a baby'
'Actually, I'm terrified that I am also IF'
'Actually, I am also IF'

Some people I wouldn't have expected to have cried, which was lovely.

My best friend immediately offered to be a donor, or even a surrogate, just say the word. In fact, so did my sister. That was a huge help, and I dont think either or them will no how much yet, as even though I am not ready to go down either of those paths, the knowledge that they would do that for me still brings a lump to my throat.

If you are reading this as a friend or relative of someone in my shoes, then I would have to advise you not to go with either of the following responses:

Person X, listen to me for all of two minutes, then launch into a speil about how she has decided this is the time for her to TTC, and she will be getting folic acid, and 'dont hate me if I get pregnant'. Honey, it took all my strength not to punch you then and there. I know this is somewhat contradictory, but although I would like to think you wont treat me any differently, honestly, when it comes to some things, yes, you do need to treat me differently. This hurts. Badly. Please dont talk about your own plans yet, I am still too raw. When I'm not, I'll tell you.

Person Y, when I try to see the positive, or find some semblance of hope in something I find on line, or in a book, dont tell me its hopeless, dont say you dont want me to get my hopes up. Let me get my hopes up. Please. If I cant, then will you be around me 24/7 to bring me out of the depths of despair, cos believe me, it happens, and I have had those thoughts.

In short, empathise, sympathise, act surpised. Offer to help if you can and want to. This is not a time for negativity by anyone. Except me.

Wednesday, 28 May 2008

The first...

Let me tell you this, I never, ever thought I would start a Blog, for one thing, aren't most good Blogs already up and running, and been around for years?

Well, I have taken comfort of late by reading other peoples, but none are quite close enough to my own experiences, and I am half hoping this will help (ha) someone like me, or point me in the right direction.

Basically, my story, is the story of a 26 year old woman who has just been diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure. In laymans terms, early menopause.

I have been married for a year, and my husband (who is 28) and I were planning on starting our family. Now that looks like a task akin to climbing Everest, and believe me when I say this, altitude to me, is climbing the stairs.

I am still at the very early stages of the whole shebang, I have had 2 blood tests which confirm FSH levels of 41 apiece. Apparently FSH should range from 5 - 20 and over 30 is bad. Over 40 is POF. I am waiting (im)patiently to see a specialist on 24th July to see what the next steps are, but have been reading ferociously about this condition for the past month and it doesn't look promising.

I have found a lot of info by women with similar figures, but not so much by women my age (read 'none') and, harsh as it sounds, I find it difficult to empathise with a woman 10 or even 20 years older than me, or a woman who has had her family. So shoot me.

I have however, discovered, that I am not alone in my fertility status, or lack thereof, age notwithstanding, and more so, that whatever age you are, IF is life altering, debilitating, nauseating, heartbreaking, and so much more. What are the next steps? And why do I have to wait 2 more months to even find out?

I think the main point in my doing this whole blog thing, is to get it out, rather than bottle it up, or get it out to someone beside my H, or the dog, whose beautiful little ears are pretty much talked off now.

I may not be completely rational, I may even be unreasonable, verging on mean at times, and you may want to ignore me when I am venting, but hey, if this lets me keep some semblance of sanity, then carry on, I say.

Oh, how rude, nice to meet you, I'm Petunia.