Sunday, 11 October 2009

Long long long long time

I appreciate I haven't posted for about a year, and for that I apologise. I have not been up to it.

To try to update on the past 12 months, I had a new job, I liked it, I lost it in March 09. After that, I kinda shut down, became a hermit, and lived inside myself. Have barely left the house for the past 6 months, stopped seeing my doctors, had to cancel the IVF, and hardly spoke to anyone. As far as I can tell, nothing has changed while I have been in this wee cocoon.

Well, one thinghas changed, should have seen it coming really, all the things that have gone wrong, I had my whole life planned out, you see. I would get the career, the husband and the babies. I lost the career, cant have the babies so it was only natural the next thing to go would be my marriage.

Yes, we have split up, but the horrors of our financial situation mean we are stuck living together while we try to pick up the pieces of our broken lives.

I dont really know where to go or what to do next, but I need to pull myself together and somehow move on. I cant imagine myself finding another man really, as I would hate to lumber anyone else with me.

I think I want to pack up everything and disappear, either move country or go away and do some voluntary work abroad somewhere, try to make my life worth something.

With regards to babies, IF, all of this, I just cant handle it anymore. I cant look at a baby, or hear about a pregnancy or anything. I cant think about having one, or not having one to be specific. I want to forget it all, and have tried very hard to do just that.

Anyway, for anyone out there still dealing with it all, I wish you all the best. For those of you who have moved on, congratulations where they are due, and all the best for the future.

I probably wont be on again for a long time, unless something miraculous happens.


Saturday, 8 November 2008


Well, this has been a pretty rough week. I've hardly slept, barely eaten (besides chocolate) and cried a lot.

I managed to get an interview on Tuesday for a job that would mean me retraining in another field. I didn't hear anything so assumed I didnt get it. Couldnt get anything else. The last time I looked for a job I could pick and choose who I went to, and had an offer within 24 hours.

I had a meeting on Thursday to discuss the redundancy, and I told them that I believe I was chosen because of the IVF. I didn't want to have to go down that route, but its what I believe.

Then about 4pm on Thursday, I got offered the job from Tuesday. I nearly fainted with shock. I start on Monday. So yesterday was my last day at work, it all happened really fast. I'm still really bitter about it, but hopefully in the long run it will be a good move.

After all this, I slept until 5pm today, when I woke up it was dark, and I couldn't work out what day it was or anything.

Now I have to get organised for Monday, and try to get mentally ready for it.

Oh - but good news is we still get to go on holiday!! Yay!!!:)

Thank you all for your support. Again.

Friday, 31 October 2008

Well. It's happening

I'm going to lose my job, probably in the next few weeks.

So now I have to find a new one, and work out whether we can still go on our trip at the end of November. If I lose my job before we go I can claim off my travel insurance, but if its afterwards, or if I leave first, we wont get our money back, so will probably be going anyway.

The hardest part, that is really killing me, is that I will have to at least postpone the DE IVF. There is just no way we can have the money sorted in time now, and if I am in a new job, I dont feel I will have been there long enough to go on maternity leave.

Its just another road block on the path for us.

I have to say that I am starting to wonder why this keeps happening to us. Is it some sort of punishment for something, or is it Gods way of telling us that children are just not in our future? I'm finding it really hard to work this out in my head, and I dont really know what to think or how to work it out. I dont know what to do next.

Wednesday, 29 October 2008

Not having a good day

I found out this morning that I am facing redundancy.

This could not have come at a worse time.

We will now probably have to cancel our trip, and more importantly, cancel the IVF as even if I get a new job soon, I wont be in it very long when September comes around.

I'm having a drink tonight, I need it. Then job hunting I go.

*Edit* Oops - redundancy, for the non-80s thatcherites, is when a workplace have more staff than they have work for anymore, and they let some of them go, I don't know what the equivalent term is, but am open to enlightenment. Basically I am about to lose my job.

Friday, 24 October 2008

My cat sure loves me:)

How is everyone today?

I'm back from my latest conference, and shattered, so about to head to bed. Am scouring the net for T-Shirts for our trip with characters on them, as I doubt I will find them in my size over there, much fun.

Battynurse, your profile pic always makes me smile, and I had to share this. When I was away last week I found an adorable little santa costume for dogs. I'm rubbish at guessing the size of my dog when she's not there, so I bought it, and it didn't come close to her, but it did fit one of my cats. My 10 year old, male cat. He was so adorable in it, but my word, he was not amused!!! The look on his face was priceless, and I cant wait for Christmas now so I can dress him up for the whole day:)

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Crazy busy these days

Again, I would like to thank everyone for your kind words and support earlier, it means so much to me.

I'm crazy busy at the moment with work, I was away all last week, and am off for another conference tomorrow.

We changed our holiday plans for next month, and have booked a French theme park, run by a mouse with large ears!!! Very excited!

We are also looking into another holiday in March for our wedding anniversary, and looking for somewhere we wouldn't be able to go again after the IVF.

Off to do some packing,

take care

Thursday, 9 October 2008

Thank you

For your comforting words.

After thinking it over, he obviously had some issues, and was simply just not a very nice man. I wont be making the mistake of seeing him again.

I feel comfortable with our decision to use donor eggs, we want children, and although I have a tiny chance of having one with my own eggs, it would take potentially decades, which we dont want. So we are still all go.

Countdown begins, 3rd September 2009, here I come.

I started my new patch HRT today, so far no problemo, only time will tell I guess.

In other news, we have decided we need a holiday, so are looking at going to Iceland at the end of November. I know they are having economic problems, but hopefully that wont affect us too much, and we get to go to the blue lagoon and do some snowmobiling!!