Saturday, 31 May 2008

No visitors, please.

I know this is the blogging equivalent of liking the sound of my own voice, but as others have said, this is way cheaper than therapy, and possibly more effective.

So my Positive Mental Attitude had gone today. As has my gluten free diet.

Had a crappy sleep and got up moody about 11.30, and spent the next 12 hours on the couch. Managed to read the new book by Lauren Weisberger. Good choice, pleasant read, didnt make me cry, helped. Did nothing productive though, and it was a nice day weatherwise.

By 11pm my body had enough, I can only assume that these are symptoms of POF, or at least MM (aka all my symptoms combined) which are that all the moisture in my upper body leaves via my hair, which needs washed daily. Despite this, my scalp gets so dry it hurts, so I had to go shower.

I also have hidradenitis supprativa, so came out the shower, smelling of medicated shampoo, and applied aqueous cream where I need it, and all over my face. This is a thick white cream, and I look like a ghost, with wet neutrogena-esque hair, and my H's pjs.

On the plus side, if MM did stop by, he would run screaming!

Friday, 30 May 2008

Almost Halloween

No, I know, its May.

I had a dream last week, it was one of those horrible nightmares, where you wake up firmly rooted to the bed, unable to move, too terrified to get up, too desperate to pee to go back to sleep.

It took 20 minutes to put the light on, get out of bed and walk to the edge of it. Then I gave up and woke up my H to take me to the loo, which was 5 steps from the bedroom door.

The dream was of Michael Myres. It still gives me shudders now, which is not good as H is working a nightshift. The movies never bothered me, but something about that dream did.

So, MM, is the persona that my POF has taken, as something to fight.

So what ya gonna do?

What are we going to do? Everything possible. Not all together though, I'm not ready to try everything and not succeed.

This may be where I become apparently unhinged....

I am fairly sure (read paranoid) that my weight may be one of, if not the main factor in my problems. Equally, however, I think a lot of my weight is related to my problems. I guess honestly wont hurt, I wear dress size 22 (uk) and my BMI is 41. None of this is helped by the bar of Galaxy sitting by my side, I know this. Despite this, I dont eat too badly, my calorie intake is equal to or less than my alleged usage for my size. I have gained 2 stone (14lbs) since coming off the pill 6 months ago. This would appear to be linked in some way to the POF. I also have no energy whatsoever, like, cant get the energy to go to the bathroom until I really have no choice. Also apparently I can blame this on the POF. I believe if I could lose weight, I would stand a better chance of having a baby, but I have treid every diet going over the last 4 years (since I gained all this weight, and when I believe the POF started) and nothing works. Nothing. Nada.

I am now wondering if it is possible that there is another reason for the weight gain, and no loss. Two things I am considering are 1) A food intolerance and 2) Insulin resistance.

Number 2 leads me to another pondering of mine, I have seen it somewhere that POF can be cause by PCOS. My FSH levels and LH levels dont indicate PCOS, but that doesnt necessaily mean I cant have PCOS, right, because the POF raises the FSH levels higher than they would have been, so it could be hiding the PCOS. (This is the crazy talking, BTW, but thats what this is for)

Anyway, I am waiting on the referal for the transvag scan, which will hopefully answer this one for me, and there is no other way for me to know, so right now I am going with number 1.

I cant really afford to go for intollerance testing at the moment, my H has just finished college and doesnt have a job yet, so we are not flush, although we survive, so I am trying different things. The first food group I have cut from my diet is gluten/wheat. I am on day 3 so far, and will try each one for 2 or 3 weeks to see if it makes any difference.

In addition to this, I am taking wheatgrass. I bought the powder cos it was half the price of the tablets, but in future I will get the tablets, believe me. It tastes okay in pineapple juice, and bearable in OJ, but still icky. H is taking it too out of sympathy, and he said it turned his poo green. Personally I havent looked!

Next, the vitamins, various ones, normal ones, ones for menopausal women, and ones to aid weightloss. Fingers crossed anyway.

Thats really it for my current methods, however, the crazy took over today and I bought some home FSH tests (yeah like it will reverse this fast), home sperm tests (I would like to know we are only fighting one battle).

And the last crazy??? In my head, my problems, the POF and everything else I associate with it, have a persona, one I cna pyshically fight, and imagine myself kicking ass with when I am power walking, and that persona is....

Shock or horror?

Actually, another reaction which has really surprised me, and the vast majority of people have asked, is 'Oh, did you want a baby, then?'

This in itself is really surprising, for one thing, I had imagined the question would be the other way around, you know, like to ask someone if they didnt want one. Not that its much better, but why would I even bother telling you we were having problems if we didnt want one, nevermind with a tear in my eye, or more often than not, tears streaming down my red, puffy face.

This has got me thinking, what about me is it that people assume then, that I wont want to have a family? Is it the fact we got married at 25, we bought a house, we have a looot of pets (furry children, you know). Even some of our families have been shocked, despite the fact we have talked openly about our plans for children, and go gooey over other peoples babies.

Or is it the fact that we got to 26 and 28 without one, which officially makes me the oldest woman in my family to not have a baby, or that we have careers, or do I just not look the type? I dont appear to have mentioned it, but I am a far cry from a skinny malinky, maybe I exude IF vibes that other people can read, and they got misinterpreted as 'not interested' vibes.

So to set the record straight, we do want children. It might not be easy, and it might not be soon, but we will have children.

Thursday, 29 May 2008

Chain reaction...

One of the things that has really surprised me since the diagnosis, is just how many people I have told. Seriously - I've put it on the net, so I dont even know how many people know now.

I am usually quite a private person, especially when it comes to my failings, and I see POF as one of those. So far I haven't had a bad reaction, obviously shock is most peoples gut instinct ('But you're so young')

The reactions have been varied, but have included:

'But you look so healthy'
'If they can make a 60 yr old woman have triplets, they can give you a baby'
'Actually, I'm terrified that I am also IF'
'Actually, I am also IF'

Some people I wouldn't have expected to have cried, which was lovely.

My best friend immediately offered to be a donor, or even a surrogate, just say the word. In fact, so did my sister. That was a huge help, and I dont think either or them will no how much yet, as even though I am not ready to go down either of those paths, the knowledge that they would do that for me still brings a lump to my throat.

If you are reading this as a friend or relative of someone in my shoes, then I would have to advise you not to go with either of the following responses:

Person X, listen to me for all of two minutes, then launch into a speil about how she has decided this is the time for her to TTC, and she will be getting folic acid, and 'dont hate me if I get pregnant'. Honey, it took all my strength not to punch you then and there. I know this is somewhat contradictory, but although I would like to think you wont treat me any differently, honestly, when it comes to some things, yes, you do need to treat me differently. This hurts. Badly. Please dont talk about your own plans yet, I am still too raw. When I'm not, I'll tell you.

Person Y, when I try to see the positive, or find some semblance of hope in something I find on line, or in a book, dont tell me its hopeless, dont say you dont want me to get my hopes up. Let me get my hopes up. Please. If I cant, then will you be around me 24/7 to bring me out of the depths of despair, cos believe me, it happens, and I have had those thoughts.

In short, empathise, sympathise, act surpised. Offer to help if you can and want to. This is not a time for negativity by anyone. Except me.

Wednesday, 28 May 2008

The first...

Let me tell you this, I never, ever thought I would start a Blog, for one thing, aren't most good Blogs already up and running, and been around for years?

Well, I have taken comfort of late by reading other peoples, but none are quite close enough to my own experiences, and I am half hoping this will help (ha) someone like me, or point me in the right direction.

Basically, my story, is the story of a 26 year old woman who has just been diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure. In laymans terms, early menopause.

I have been married for a year, and my husband (who is 28) and I were planning on starting our family. Now that looks like a task akin to climbing Everest, and believe me when I say this, altitude to me, is climbing the stairs.

I am still at the very early stages of the whole shebang, I have had 2 blood tests which confirm FSH levels of 41 apiece. Apparently FSH should range from 5 - 20 and over 30 is bad. Over 40 is POF. I am waiting (im)patiently to see a specialist on 24th July to see what the next steps are, but have been reading ferociously about this condition for the past month and it doesn't look promising.

I have found a lot of info by women with similar figures, but not so much by women my age (read 'none') and, harsh as it sounds, I find it difficult to empathise with a woman 10 or even 20 years older than me, or a woman who has had her family. So shoot me.

I have however, discovered, that I am not alone in my fertility status, or lack thereof, age notwithstanding, and more so, that whatever age you are, IF is life altering, debilitating, nauseating, heartbreaking, and so much more. What are the next steps? And why do I have to wait 2 more months to even find out?

I think the main point in my doing this whole blog thing, is to get it out, rather than bottle it up, or get it out to someone beside my H, or the dog, whose beautiful little ears are pretty much talked off now.

I may not be completely rational, I may even be unreasonable, verging on mean at times, and you may want to ignore me when I am venting, but hey, if this lets me keep some semblance of sanity, then carry on, I say.

Oh, how rude, nice to meet you, I'm Petunia.