Sunday, 11 October 2009

Long long long long time

I appreciate I haven't posted for about a year, and for that I apologise. I have not been up to it.

To try to update on the past 12 months, I had a new job, I liked it, I lost it in March 09. After that, I kinda shut down, became a hermit, and lived inside myself. Have barely left the house for the past 6 months, stopped seeing my doctors, had to cancel the IVF, and hardly spoke to anyone. As far as I can tell, nothing has changed while I have been in this wee cocoon.

Well, one thinghas changed, should have seen it coming really, all the things that have gone wrong, I had my whole life planned out, you see. I would get the career, the husband and the babies. I lost the career, cant have the babies so it was only natural the next thing to go would be my marriage.

Yes, we have split up, but the horrors of our financial situation mean we are stuck living together while we try to pick up the pieces of our broken lives.

I dont really know where to go or what to do next, but I need to pull myself together and somehow move on. I cant imagine myself finding another man really, as I would hate to lumber anyone else with me.

I think I want to pack up everything and disappear, either move country or go away and do some voluntary work abroad somewhere, try to make my life worth something.

With regards to babies, IF, all of this, I just cant handle it anymore. I cant look at a baby, or hear about a pregnancy or anything. I cant think about having one, or not having one to be specific. I want to forget it all, and have tried very hard to do just that.

Anyway, for anyone out there still dealing with it all, I wish you all the best. For those of you who have moved on, congratulations where they are due, and all the best for the future.

I probably wont be on again for a long time, unless something miraculous happens.