Setting myself up for a fall

I know I am, and I cant help it.

I have thought long and hard about posting this. I didn't want to put it into words, in the fear that somehow by verbalising it, I was jinxing things.

But I need to. I need to put it out there so that when the fall comes, somehow by accepting it in advance it will cushion the blow.

I'm on HRT, right. 28 little pills in a pack, 16 white ones, 12 green ones. In theory, these pill combinations should make me bleed. I should start between day 21 of pack A and day 5 of pack B.

Its day 3.

No bleed.

Never in my life have I had such a long cycle. Naturally, I had 21 day cycles. On the pill 25 ish. I am now on what, day 33? I keep thinking its coming, and run to the loo, but nothing.

It's messing up my head. Because even though I know the chances, that little part of me, that little voice, the same one that makes me eat chocolate when I am on a diet, is screaming. What if it is. Just test.

But I cant test. For one thing, as soon as I do, it will come. And I will have wasted £10. And even worse, this little voice will have to shut up and frankly, I quite like it. The fantasy. The what ifs, and maybes.

I know I'm not. This is just another way for my stupid body to be cruel to me. As if this IF thing isnt cruel enough.

If I get to the weekend, then maybe I will.