What NEXT?

Gggggaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhh.

Just when I think it is as bad as it can be, it gets worse.

I had my ultrasound.

Nada. Nothing. Zip. No visible reason for this to have happened. No cysts, fibroids, nothing. In fact no ovaries.

Moreover, my uterus is abnormally small. Underdeveloped. Probably not suitable to carry a baby anyway, not that my dead ovaries will be able to make me one anyway.

Has anyone got a clue what this is? What happened that this happened? Is it my fault?

Apparently, when I was 14 (when all this started) I was given a pill by the doctor to delay my period. Could this have broken me somehow?

Help. Please. I am going crazy.

Finally

I got a letter this morning from the hospital. They have moved my appointment forward a week. I was a bit concerned about having to change the dates off work, and probably having to go myself if the H is working, and my sister will still be on holiday, but its now just the 18th of July to wait till.

I decided I had waited long enough for the scan appointment, so phoned the hospital. Apparently there is a 9 week waiting list, but there is a cancellation tomorrow if I want? Its that or wait another 4 weeks, so I took it.

Thank goodness my work are reasonable about these things.

Now though, I am realising that getting the appointment is the easy bit, what they find is the hard bit.

I've thought about it a fair bit, and I think the worst thing they could find would be nothing. Even if what they find is bad, at least there will be a cause, a reason this has happened to me.

After what happened with the diagnosis, the sheer shock of it all, I am now preparing for the worst (but not nothing - dont like that idea.)

Just give me this

One thing.

I am not going to miraculously fall pg, no matter how much I hope, not today anyway. Also today, H didnt get the fabulous job he went for.

But today, a builder has offered to part exchange our house for a new one of his. Still dont know the details, and it could all still go wrong, but please, let me have this one thing!

And right back down again

So I went to the docs this morning. I spoke to him about my inhalers, and have been put on a new one, although it looks like the one I was on hasn't caused any problems, never mind this. I also have to start going to the asthma clinic.

I also checked that my thyroid had been tested, it has, of course, and is fine.

I also got him to prod my neck as I thought my glands were swollen - they're not.

I was really upset, and explained to him that I am just trying to find out why this has happened, and also that 3 months is such a long time I am going crazy. He agreed it is a long wait, which was nice, but told me he thinks I will have the scan this month, apparently they dont give you much notice in general, so it should be soon.

I feel really deflated, and have cried a lot today, at work, in the car, in the shops....oh the shame.

A charity collector addressed me as 'miss' today and it just really wound me up, especially when his buddy told me in a really patronising way, 'smile'. I may have, sort of, well, screamed at them and ran away. Ahem. I was not having a good day.

I really thought i would be able to find a cause for this, and with everything I rule out, the chances are getting slimmer, while I am not.

Its only 7.30 but I think I should really just go to bed.

Rambling

We went swimming again today - third time now, I am so proud of myself for even getting this far. Just hope I can keep it up.

Decided I should just speak to my GP (regular doctor for non brits) about the possible causes, as just about everything I look up seems like it could be the answer. Going on Thursday morning.

Just want to say hello to the fab peeps who have read this so far, and thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

I am currently a GTA4 widow, so shall be nosing about the forums etc to see what other conditions I can convince myself I have!

Name a big river...

Denial - that's me, hello.

Still reluctant to accept that the POF is permanent. Thought about it briefly this week, and it hurt so much I have decided that for now I'm safer in this here river. If I get another few years down the line and the POF still hasnt reversed, maybe then I will be able to accept it.

Basically I am still looking for answers, and not ready to give up.

Last week I made a possibly controversial decision. I realised how ill I felt, and how much weight (2.5 stone) I had gained since I came off the pill, and almost like in the cartoons, a light came on, and I decided to take the pill again. I had 2 packs left from before, and as I dont see the GYN until July 24, I figure as long as I stop about 2 weeks before then, I should be okay.

The difference this has made has been astounding, I already feel better, less than a week in. I went swimming yesterday, and back again today, which is almost unbelievable. I even joined the gym. Just hope it works this time.

I also had a bit of a revelation, I think I might have Cushings Syndrome, I have every single symptom on the list and will speak to the GYN about this when I see her. I also think this could be related to continued use of asthma medications. If I do, it could be reversed by stopping the meds, which I will try, or at least reduce the amount I take it.

I know I might be clutching at straws, very much so, but as I said before, I need to be able to do this, for now at least.

and up again...

Today I am feeling more optimistic. Rotten and dog tired, but positive regardless.

Again, not a whole lot of sleep going on, even with the sleeping pills, but no point going to bed early as that seems to make things worse.

I joined a support group for POF women, although am not allowed to post yet, one thing I saw which has cheered me immensly, is that when POF is caused by something, such as an autoimmune disorder, thyroid problems etc, treating the cause can usually reverse the POF.

To me, this is the beacon in the fog, the light at the end of the tunnel, the one last glimmering shred of hope yada yada yada. But seriously, I am hoping beyond hope that there is a cause, and it is treatable, and the POF reverses.

When I went to see the GP a month ago, she and I both though I had PCOS. My hormone levels dont agree, but I think I have covered this before. I really believe I have cysts in some shape or form, and if I am proved right, this could well be the cause of the POF, so if I treat the cysts, the POF should reverse.....

For now I have to believe this, so I will. So there.