Day 6...

Still nothing. Now I am annoyed.


I did a test. I hadn't planned to yet, but had to. Negative of course, so basically something else about my body doesnt work.

Day 5 ...

Still nothing. Still don't know what to think.


On unrelated news, poor Mr P lost his job today. This recession isn't doing anyone any favours. He's gutted, and is blaming himself. So now something else to worry about. Don't ask how we're going to pay the mortgage next month.

If ever there was a case of 'timing'! This would be it.

Day 4....

Still nothing happening.

Don't quite know what to think, except knowing my luck it will turn up on day 6!

Setting myself up for a fall

I know I am, and I cant help it.

I have thought long and hard about posting this. I didn't want to put it into words, in the fear that somehow by verbalising it, I was jinxing things.

But I need to. I need to put it out there so that when the fall comes, somehow by accepting it in advance it will cushion the blow.

I'm on HRT, right. 28 little pills in a pack, 16 white ones, 12 green ones. In theory, these pill combinations should make me bleed. I should start between day 21 of pack A and day 5 of pack B.

Its day 3.

No bleed.

Never in my life have I had such a long cycle. Naturally, I had 21 day cycles. On the pill 25 ish. I am now on what, day 33? I keep thinking its coming, and run to the loo, but nothing.

It's messing up my head. Because even though I know the chances, that little part of me, that little voice, the same one that makes me eat chocolate when I am on a diet, is screaming. What if it is. Just test.

But I cant test. For one thing, as soon as I do, it will come. And I will have wasted £10. And even worse, this little voice will have to shut up and frankly, I quite like it. The fantasy. The what ifs, and maybes.

I know I'm not. This is just another way for my stupid body to be cruel to me. As if this IF thing isnt cruel enough.

If I get to the weekend, then maybe I will.

Spot the culprit

Another week on in the diet. Went swimming 6 times last week. Cannot restrict my eating anymore without feeling dizzy, and lost nothing.

Very unamused.

Have sussed it out. I cut cola out completely, and the booze. Replaced with a popular blackcurrant squash. Which I have now worked out has roughly 500 calories a pint, and I have been drinking it by the gallon. Would have been better off with full fat cola.

So am now going to change to diet cola, which I hope will make me get back to the loss.

Still miserable on the hrt. Went to docs and cried a lot. Have now got some happy pills which are helping. Have also written to the consultant looking for more answers. Watch this space.

Going for Gold!

Not that I am being motivated by the Olympics or anything, but I have stepped the diet and exercise up a notch lately. A colleague and I have started going swimming at lunchtime too, and have been twice this week, and back tomorrow.

The diet started mainly because I got pretty low and didnt feel like eating, and managed (so far) to keep it up. But the past few days by about 11am I have felt a bit weak, so have decided to try and have a small breakfast before work now, then a cup-a-soup for lunch and a healthy meal at night, plus the swimming 3/4 times a week and my exercise DVD twice a week too. Hopefully this will work.

The HRT is driving me crazy, and probably MrP too, as I am a cranky psycho madam of late, and have screamed at him more times than I care to mention, and the cats, and the dog. And random people in the street. And my PC at work. Not good. Also having a lot of leg cramps, insomnia, stomach ache, nausea, so I am going to ask to change the brand.

I also appear to have a throat infection as my throat is covered in white stuff that looks almost mouldy. Lovely. Just what I need.

Doctors on Monday, plenty to talk about anyway.

Oh - and by the way, in just over 2 weeks, 11lbs down, about a million to go!

Call me crazy

Yes, I'm sure you will.

I had a bit of a low point last week after the AMH results. I phoned around a few IVF clinics. Just a few. The answer was the same, no chance, 0.01% chance, you should think about a donor, I think you need counselling etc etc.

I certainly agree about the counselling, and will probably speak to my doctor about that.

BUT, and its a big but. I then spoke to a doctor in London, explained my situation, and instead of writing me off, he told me about this drug called DHEA, which is a type of hormone, not licensed in the UK, you can buy it over the internet. He told me to take it for at least 4 months and have my tests done again (if I am not pregnant by then....IF...can you believe it!) And then to speak to him again and see if we could do IVF with him, using my own eggs.

It goes on to get even better. I had heard of this drug before I spoke to him. Had ordered it. It was waiting for me to collect it from the local post office. Funnily enough, I have now started taking it!

I know the odds are still stacked against me, but it has to be worth a shot, right?

My stupid body is playing nasty tricks on me, ever since I started the HRT. LAst week, just before I got the AMH results, I was convinced I was fixed. I had EWCM, so thought I was ovulating. Add this to the pains in my side, I thought it would all be okay. A few days later and some spotting (implantation thinks me). I'm also still lactating, despite my prolactin levels being apparently normal.

Maybe its a phantom pregnancy. Maybe the last few months have all been a dream. Maybe I'm not even real. Maybe I'm just plain crazy.

I hope this works. I hope no-one else ever goes through this. I hope everyone who wants one, gets a baby.

They think it's all over....

It is now.

The AMH results are in. 0.1

So that's it. Over. It#s out of my hands. There is nothing left I can do.

I wont be able to have my own children.

Bless the nurse who told me, as she sounded almost as wretched as I felt.

I dont quite think I have taken it in yet.

I need to regroup. I will be back.