Feel like I've been slapped

I'm sorry, but warning in advance that this post is not particularly nice.

I started out today very happy and positive, I just got my appointment for donor IVF in September.

I had to go to the doctor after work for my HRT, not my usual doctor, but I wasn't bothered. We were talking about things, and I told him I was going for the IVF next year.

This is when things took a turn for the worse. He was not at all supportive, and tried to put me off, I was hysterical by the end and till am.

I didnt tell him which clinic or anything, but he told me it would be a con, and that there success rates would only be about 20% really, and it probably wont work, and that I will end up with a 'scrambled baby' because the donors will be women who walk in off the streets looking for money for drugs, and they wont be screened properly, and would all lie about medical history anyway.

He asked me why wont I just adopt, and that all I am doing is having someone elses baby anyway, so why not just adopt. When I said we had originally wanted 4 children, he said that was ridiculous anyway, and we could adopt a family of 4 instead, and having a baby is more than having a pet.

And he went on about how with IVF they just fill you full of unnatural drugs (after giving me a prescription for hrt and antidepressants) and kept asking why we wouldnt adopt instead of this.

I just dont understand, every other doctor I have seen has told me straight away to have donor IVF, and my gyno told me to go abroad, its not like this is something I have chosen to do, its the only way.

I'm absolutely gutted right now, and cant think straight, and am terrified, what if he is right?

I just dont know what to think.

Decision Time

I haven't been around much, I know, and it's terrible. Bad llama.

I can only apologise, I've had to get a lot straight in my head. We got a new baby nephew about 2 weeks ago, and I've found it very hard.

I saw my consultant again last week, the same day I bought the new baby gift. It went much better this time, she almost agreed to let me try some fertility drugs, and suggested I ask my own GP to try it, and if that fails, to write to the governing body for fertility treatment. So today I wrote to them, and I see a GP on Monday (not my own though, couldnt get an appointment) I also got her to change my HRT to patches.

In spite of all of this, we have decided to go ahead with donor IVF. It will take about a year to hit the top of the waiting list in our chosen clinic, so we have put our names down, so if we dont get a miracle in the next year, we will always have this.

I am feeling better having made this decision, it's almost like a weight has been lifted, I can see a way out, even if it's not the way I had originally planned.

In other news, MrP is working full time again, and bought a new car, still not sold our house, and probably wont, am generally feeling okay again. But still on the happy pills. Not been sleeping as well since getting the bed to myself all again. Think that's about it really.

Sorry this is a pretty brief post, but I am feeling really tired and oddly a bit lightheaded, so take care and goodnight.

The reply is in.

After my initial appointment with my consultant, I received a very short, blunt letter, whch didn;t give me any information, and ended with a curt comment about my weight.

I wrote a lengthy, and somewhat irate reply to this.

Today, I got the reply. She was very apologetic, which was good. And confirmed that my weight is not responsible for the POF. She has also agreed to bring my next appointment forward to the 26th September.

The latest results were:
FSH 39
LH 21
Prolactin 58
Estradiol 151
which I think is pretty much the same as the first two sets.

I'm hoping to get to change my HRT as I really dont like this one. The current and ongoing symptoms are:
Exhaustion (not helped mby the hrt)
Greasy/dry skin (not helped)
Greasy hair (not helped but the swimming means I wash it more)
Spots (not helped)
Dandruff (not helped, nothing is)
Heartburn (not helped)
Sweats/flashes (not helped)
Insomnia (hrt hasnt helped, happy pills have)
Mood swings (caused by hrt - from suicidal to manically happy)
Nightmares (probably the dx not the pills)
Leg cramps (caused by hrt)
Oral thrush (I assume caused by hrt, as never had it before)
Libido (gone awol, nothing helping)

So all in all, the current hrt is doing naff all. Hopefully when I tell her, she will change it. Fingers crossed.

The stupid things people say

The other day, as I was fanning my face, as I do most days, a friend of mine laughed and said, 'you're not starting hot flashes already are you?'

I'm furious with her, because she knows all about the POF and what it means.

This is the same friend who, when I was bemoaning the standard of care I am (not) getting, replied that 'it's just like my verucca'.

I've come to realise that not everyone will understand, not only POF, but IF in general. This girl thinks its comparible to a verucca. The thing is, there is no comparison. People can have empathy, or sympathy. People can appreciate how difficult it is, how painful it is, and how upset I am.

But no-one else is me. I'm going through something which a lot of other women are too, but I don't know exactly how they feel, nor vice versa. Everyone is different, everyone deals in different ways. We all have different reactions to the news, different circumstances, different feelings about it. I know that's a lot of different, but we are. As people. We are all individual.

But that aside, I feel the same thing for everyone of us, POFers, IFers, all of us. Some will agree with me that this is the worst thing to have every happened to us. Some wont, but it will still be pretty high up the list.

I hope that everyone who is dealing with this, can in some way find peace, and come to terms with it. I know I still haven't, but I look forward to the day when I am happy again. I believe I will be. I will not let this define me. POF is not who I am, but it is part of making me who I will become.

Much love to everyone.

Day ????

I think I am now on day 12 or 13, I've stopped counting. Still nothing and have given up expecting there to be anything.

I've also not had a reply from the hospital to my letter to them.

No jobs for MrP yet.

No viewers for the house yet.

Haven't gone near the scales for at least a week so no idea about a weight loss total.

I advertised our second car for sale, hopefully it will sell quickly. If MrP doesn't get a job by the end of September I think the main car will have to go too and be replaced with a banger. We have to run a car one way or the other, but trading it in for a cheaper model would give us some cash to play with, hopefully. By play, I mean pay the bills, eat, keep a roof over our heads. I'm also going to sell some jewellery I dont wear, and getting MrP to do a car boot sale.

I mentioned to my boss today about a promotion. Hopefully it wasnt too cheeky, but I really want one, for status more than money, although dont get me wrong, a pay rise would be very much welcome at the moment. Tomorrow all the bosses are having a meeting, and I *think* my new future role will be being discussed, so am very excited and nervous about it.

Day 6...

Still nothing. Now I am annoyed.


I did a test. I hadn't planned to yet, but had to. Negative of course, so basically something else about my body doesnt work.

Day 5 ...

Still nothing. Still don't know what to think.


On unrelated news, poor Mr P lost his job today. This recession isn't doing anyone any favours. He's gutted, and is blaming himself. So now something else to worry about. Don't ask how we're going to pay the mortgage next month.

If ever there was a case of 'timing'! This would be it.