Long long long long time

I appreciate I haven't posted for about a year, and for that I apologise. I have not been up to it.

To try to update on the past 12 months, I had a new job, I liked it, I lost it in March 09. After that, I kinda shut down, became a hermit, and lived inside myself. Have barely left the house for the past 6 months, stopped seeing my doctors, had to cancel the IVF, and hardly spoke to anyone. As far as I can tell, nothing has changed while I have been in this wee cocoon.

Well, one thinghas changed, should have seen it coming really, all the things that have gone wrong, I had my whole life planned out, you see. I would get the career, the husband and the babies. I lost the career, cant have the babies so it was only natural the next thing to go would be my marriage.

Yes, we have split up, but the horrors of our financial situation mean we are stuck living together while we try to pick up the pieces of our broken lives.

I dont really know where to go or what to do next, but I need to pull myself together and somehow move on. I cant imagine myself finding another man really, as I would hate to lumber anyone else with me.

I think I want to pack up everything and disappear, either move country or go away and do some voluntary work abroad somewhere, try to make my life worth something.

With regards to babies, IF, all of this, I just cant handle it anymore. I cant look at a baby, or hear about a pregnancy or anything. I cant think about having one, or not having one to be specific. I want to forget it all, and have tried very hard to do just that.

Anyway, for anyone out there still dealing with it all, I wish you all the best. For those of you who have moved on, congratulations where they are due, and all the best for the future.

I probably wont be on again for a long time, unless something miraculous happens.

Px

Phew

Well, this has been a pretty rough week. I've hardly slept, barely eaten (besides chocolate) and cried a lot.

I managed to get an interview on Tuesday for a job that would mean me retraining in another field. I didn't hear anything so assumed I didnt get it. Couldnt get anything else. The last time I looked for a job I could pick and choose who I went to, and had an offer within 24 hours.

I had a meeting on Thursday to discuss the redundancy, and I told them that I believe I was chosen because of the IVF. I didn't want to have to go down that route, but its what I believe.

Then about 4pm on Thursday, I got offered the job from Tuesday. I nearly fainted with shock. I start on Monday. So yesterday was my last day at work, it all happened really fast. I'm still really bitter about it, but hopefully in the long run it will be a good move.

After all this, I slept until 5pm today, when I woke up it was dark, and I couldn't work out what day it was or anything.

Now I have to get organised for Monday, and try to get mentally ready for it.

Oh - but good news is we still get to go on holiday!! Yay!!!:)

Thank you all for your support. Again.

Well. It's happening

I'm going to lose my job, probably in the next few weeks.

So now I have to find a new one, and work out whether we can still go on our trip at the end of November. If I lose my job before we go I can claim off my travel insurance, but if its afterwards, or if I leave first, we wont get our money back, so will probably be going anyway.

The hardest part, that is really killing me, is that I will have to at least postpone the DE IVF. There is just no way we can have the money sorted in time now, and if I am in a new job, I dont feel I will have been there long enough to go on maternity leave.

Its just another road block on the path for us.

I have to say that I am starting to wonder why this keeps happening to us. Is it some sort of punishment for something, or is it Gods way of telling us that children are just not in our future? I'm finding it really hard to work this out in my head, and I dont really know what to think or how to work it out. I dont know what to do next.

Not having a good day

I found out this morning that I am facing redundancy.

This could not have come at a worse time.

We will now probably have to cancel our trip, and more importantly, cancel the IVF as even if I get a new job soon, I wont be in it very long when September comes around.

I'm having a drink tonight, I need it. Then job hunting I go.

*Edit* Oops - redundancy, for the non-80s thatcherites, is when a workplace have more staff than they have work for anymore, and they let some of them go, I don't know what the equivalent term is, but am open to enlightenment. Basically I am about to lose my job.

My cat sure loves me:)

How is everyone today?

I'm back from my latest conference, and shattered, so about to head to bed. Am scouring the net for T-Shirts for our trip with characters on them, as I doubt I will find them in my size over there, much fun.

Battynurse, your profile pic always makes me smile, and I had to share this. When I was away last week I found an adorable little santa costume for dogs. I'm rubbish at guessing the size of my dog when she's not there, so I bought it, and it didn't come close to her, but it did fit one of my cats. My 10 year old, male cat. He was so adorable in it, but my word, he was not amused!!! The look on his face was priceless, and I cant wait for Christmas now so I can dress him up for the whole day:)

Crazy busy these days

Again, I would like to thank everyone for your kind words and support earlier, it means so much to me.

I'm crazy busy at the moment with work, I was away all last week, and am off for another conference tomorrow.

We changed our holiday plans for next month, and have booked a French theme park, run by a mouse with large ears!!! Very excited!

We are also looking into another holiday in March for our wedding anniversary, and looking for somewhere we wouldn't be able to go again after the IVF.

Off to do some packing,

take care

Thank you

For your comforting words.

After thinking it over, he obviously had some issues, and was simply just not a very nice man. I wont be making the mistake of seeing him again.

I feel comfortable with our decision to use donor eggs, we want children, and although I have a tiny chance of having one with my own eggs, it would take potentially decades, which we dont want. So we are still all go.

Countdown begins, 3rd September 2009, here I come.

I started my new patch HRT today, so far no problemo, only time will tell I guess.

In other news, we have decided we need a holiday, so are looking at going to Iceland at the end of November. I know they are having economic problems, but hopefully that wont affect us too much, and we get to go to the blue lagoon and do some snowmobiling!!

Feel like I've been slapped

I'm sorry, but warning in advance that this post is not particularly nice.

I started out today very happy and positive, I just got my appointment for donor IVF in September.

I had to go to the doctor after work for my HRT, not my usual doctor, but I wasn't bothered. We were talking about things, and I told him I was going for the IVF next year.

This is when things took a turn for the worse. He was not at all supportive, and tried to put me off, I was hysterical by the end and till am.

I didnt tell him which clinic or anything, but he told me it would be a con, and that there success rates would only be about 20% really, and it probably wont work, and that I will end up with a 'scrambled baby' because the donors will be women who walk in off the streets looking for money for drugs, and they wont be screened properly, and would all lie about medical history anyway.

He asked me why wont I just adopt, and that all I am doing is having someone elses baby anyway, so why not just adopt. When I said we had originally wanted 4 children, he said that was ridiculous anyway, and we could adopt a family of 4 instead, and having a baby is more than having a pet.

And he went on about how with IVF they just fill you full of unnatural drugs (after giving me a prescription for hrt and antidepressants) and kept asking why we wouldnt adopt instead of this.

I just dont understand, every other doctor I have seen has told me straight away to have donor IVF, and my gyno told me to go abroad, its not like this is something I have chosen to do, its the only way.

I'm absolutely gutted right now, and cant think straight, and am terrified, what if he is right?

I just dont know what to think.

Decision Time

I haven't been around much, I know, and it's terrible. Bad llama.

I can only apologise, I've had to get a lot straight in my head. We got a new baby nephew about 2 weeks ago, and I've found it very hard.

I saw my consultant again last week, the same day I bought the new baby gift. It went much better this time, she almost agreed to let me try some fertility drugs, and suggested I ask my own GP to try it, and if that fails, to write to the governing body for fertility treatment. So today I wrote to them, and I see a GP on Monday (not my own though, couldnt get an appointment) I also got her to change my HRT to patches.

In spite of all of this, we have decided to go ahead with donor IVF. It will take about a year to hit the top of the waiting list in our chosen clinic, so we have put our names down, so if we dont get a miracle in the next year, we will always have this.

I am feeling better having made this decision, it's almost like a weight has been lifted, I can see a way out, even if it's not the way I had originally planned.

In other news, MrP is working full time again, and bought a new car, still not sold our house, and probably wont, am generally feeling okay again. But still on the happy pills. Not been sleeping as well since getting the bed to myself all again. Think that's about it really.

Sorry this is a pretty brief post, but I am feeling really tired and oddly a bit lightheaded, so take care and goodnight.

The reply is in.

After my initial appointment with my consultant, I received a very short, blunt letter, whch didn;t give me any information, and ended with a curt comment about my weight.

I wrote a lengthy, and somewhat irate reply to this.

Today, I got the reply. She was very apologetic, which was good. And confirmed that my weight is not responsible for the POF. She has also agreed to bring my next appointment forward to the 26th September.

The latest results were:
FSH 39
LH 21
Prolactin 58
Estradiol 151
which I think is pretty much the same as the first two sets.

I'm hoping to get to change my HRT as I really dont like this one. The current and ongoing symptoms are:
Exhaustion (not helped mby the hrt)
Greasy/dry skin (not helped)
Greasy hair (not helped but the swimming means I wash it more)
Spots (not helped)
Dandruff (not helped, nothing is)
Heartburn (not helped)
Sweats/flashes (not helped)
Insomnia (hrt hasnt helped, happy pills have)
Mood swings (caused by hrt - from suicidal to manically happy)
Nightmares (probably the dx not the pills)
Leg cramps (caused by hrt)
Oral thrush (I assume caused by hrt, as never had it before)
Libido (gone awol, nothing helping)

So all in all, the current hrt is doing naff all. Hopefully when I tell her, she will change it. Fingers crossed.

The stupid things people say

The other day, as I was fanning my face, as I do most days, a friend of mine laughed and said, 'you're not starting hot flashes already are you?'

I'm furious with her, because she knows all about the POF and what it means.

This is the same friend who, when I was bemoaning the standard of care I am (not) getting, replied that 'it's just like my verucca'.

I've come to realise that not everyone will understand, not only POF, but IF in general. This girl thinks its comparible to a verucca. The thing is, there is no comparison. People can have empathy, or sympathy. People can appreciate how difficult it is, how painful it is, and how upset I am.

But no-one else is me. I'm going through something which a lot of other women are too, but I don't know exactly how they feel, nor vice versa. Everyone is different, everyone deals in different ways. We all have different reactions to the news, different circumstances, different feelings about it. I know that's a lot of different, but we are. As people. We are all individual.

But that aside, I feel the same thing for everyone of us, POFers, IFers, all of us. Some will agree with me that this is the worst thing to have every happened to us. Some wont, but it will still be pretty high up the list.

I hope that everyone who is dealing with this, can in some way find peace, and come to terms with it. I know I still haven't, but I look forward to the day when I am happy again. I believe I will be. I will not let this define me. POF is not who I am, but it is part of making me who I will become.

Much love to everyone.

Day ????

I think I am now on day 12 or 13, I've stopped counting. Still nothing and have given up expecting there to be anything.

I've also not had a reply from the hospital to my letter to them.

No jobs for MrP yet.

No viewers for the house yet.

Haven't gone near the scales for at least a week so no idea about a weight loss total.

I advertised our second car for sale, hopefully it will sell quickly. If MrP doesn't get a job by the end of September I think the main car will have to go too and be replaced with a banger. We have to run a car one way or the other, but trading it in for a cheaper model would give us some cash to play with, hopefully. By play, I mean pay the bills, eat, keep a roof over our heads. I'm also going to sell some jewellery I dont wear, and getting MrP to do a car boot sale.

I mentioned to my boss today about a promotion. Hopefully it wasnt too cheeky, but I really want one, for status more than money, although dont get me wrong, a pay rise would be very much welcome at the moment. Tomorrow all the bosses are having a meeting, and I *think* my new future role will be being discussed, so am very excited and nervous about it.

Day 6...

Still nothing. Now I am annoyed.


I did a test. I hadn't planned to yet, but had to. Negative of course, so basically something else about my body doesnt work.

Day 5 ...

Still nothing. Still don't know what to think.


On unrelated news, poor Mr P lost his job today. This recession isn't doing anyone any favours. He's gutted, and is blaming himself. So now something else to worry about. Don't ask how we're going to pay the mortgage next month.

If ever there was a case of 'timing'! This would be it.

Day 4....

Still nothing happening.

Don't quite know what to think, except knowing my luck it will turn up on day 6!

Setting myself up for a fall

I know I am, and I cant help it.

I have thought long and hard about posting this. I didn't want to put it into words, in the fear that somehow by verbalising it, I was jinxing things.

But I need to. I need to put it out there so that when the fall comes, somehow by accepting it in advance it will cushion the blow.

I'm on HRT, right. 28 little pills in a pack, 16 white ones, 12 green ones. In theory, these pill combinations should make me bleed. I should start between day 21 of pack A and day 5 of pack B.

Its day 3.

No bleed.

Never in my life have I had such a long cycle. Naturally, I had 21 day cycles. On the pill 25 ish. I am now on what, day 33? I keep thinking its coming, and run to the loo, but nothing.

It's messing up my head. Because even though I know the chances, that little part of me, that little voice, the same one that makes me eat chocolate when I am on a diet, is screaming. What if it is. Just test.

But I cant test. For one thing, as soon as I do, it will come. And I will have wasted £10. And even worse, this little voice will have to shut up and frankly, I quite like it. The fantasy. The what ifs, and maybes.

I know I'm not. This is just another way for my stupid body to be cruel to me. As if this IF thing isnt cruel enough.

If I get to the weekend, then maybe I will.

Spot the culprit

Another week on in the diet. Went swimming 6 times last week. Cannot restrict my eating anymore without feeling dizzy, and lost nothing.

Very unamused.

Have sussed it out. I cut cola out completely, and the booze. Replaced with a popular blackcurrant squash. Which I have now worked out has roughly 500 calories a pint, and I have been drinking it by the gallon. Would have been better off with full fat cola.

So am now going to change to diet cola, which I hope will make me get back to the loss.

Still miserable on the hrt. Went to docs and cried a lot. Have now got some happy pills which are helping. Have also written to the consultant looking for more answers. Watch this space.

Going for Gold!

Not that I am being motivated by the Olympics or anything, but I have stepped the diet and exercise up a notch lately. A colleague and I have started going swimming at lunchtime too, and have been twice this week, and back tomorrow.

The diet started mainly because I got pretty low and didnt feel like eating, and managed (so far) to keep it up. But the past few days by about 11am I have felt a bit weak, so have decided to try and have a small breakfast before work now, then a cup-a-soup for lunch and a healthy meal at night, plus the swimming 3/4 times a week and my exercise DVD twice a week too. Hopefully this will work.

The HRT is driving me crazy, and probably MrP too, as I am a cranky psycho madam of late, and have screamed at him more times than I care to mention, and the cats, and the dog. And random people in the street. And my PC at work. Not good. Also having a lot of leg cramps, insomnia, stomach ache, nausea, so I am going to ask to change the brand.

I also appear to have a throat infection as my throat is covered in white stuff that looks almost mouldy. Lovely. Just what I need.

Doctors on Monday, plenty to talk about anyway.

Oh - and by the way, in just over 2 weeks, 11lbs down, about a million to go!

Call me crazy

Yes, I'm sure you will.

I had a bit of a low point last week after the AMH results. I phoned around a few IVF clinics. Just a few. The answer was the same, no chance, 0.01% chance, you should think about a donor, I think you need counselling etc etc.

I certainly agree about the counselling, and will probably speak to my doctor about that.

BUT, and its a big but. I then spoke to a doctor in London, explained my situation, and instead of writing me off, he told me about this drug called DHEA, which is a type of hormone, not licensed in the UK, you can buy it over the internet. He told me to take it for at least 4 months and have my tests done again (if I am not pregnant by then....IF...can you believe it!) And then to speak to him again and see if we could do IVF with him, using my own eggs.

It goes on to get even better. I had heard of this drug before I spoke to him. Had ordered it. It was waiting for me to collect it from the local post office. Funnily enough, I have now started taking it!

I know the odds are still stacked against me, but it has to be worth a shot, right?

My stupid body is playing nasty tricks on me, ever since I started the HRT. LAst week, just before I got the AMH results, I was convinced I was fixed. I had EWCM, so thought I was ovulating. Add this to the pains in my side, I thought it would all be okay. A few days later and some spotting (implantation thinks me). I'm also still lactating, despite my prolactin levels being apparently normal.

Maybe its a phantom pregnancy. Maybe the last few months have all been a dream. Maybe I'm not even real. Maybe I'm just plain crazy.

I hope this works. I hope no-one else ever goes through this. I hope everyone who wants one, gets a baby.

They think it's all over....

It is now.

The AMH results are in. 0.1

So that's it. Over. It#s out of my hands. There is nothing left I can do.

I wont be able to have my own children.

Bless the nurse who told me, as she sounded almost as wretched as I felt.

I dont quite think I have taken it in yet.

I need to regroup. I will be back.